The moments in her life were unfolding all around her, like the way in which wildflowers take over vacant lots. She could see the importance of said moments, but could do nothing as they were occurring to make them more tangible. They sometimes still brought her a great sense of bliss, but it was a feeling that didn't belong entirely to her, as she felt about many things. She would read about moments such as the ones she was living, and she would have an understanding run over her life a brief downpour- that moment was theirs. They were made to live that way, to have such happiness handed to them. This thought drenched her mind, yet she still could not reconcile that there was a chance, even the slightest chance, that she could deserve such happiness as well.
This line of reasoning was buried rather deep in her soul, as she went through life waiting for it to reveal itself as just that- her own. Not a life dictated by the perception others held of her, or a life dictated by the limitations of her physical being or her past. A life entirely led by her conscious thoughts and desires, however hazy these might appear to her. She couldn’t grasp the way in which her own feelings didn’t ever appear to be entirely her own.
Although this thought process was one she dealt with deeply and constantly, it didn’t affect her daily life. Well, okay that’s not the entire truth. It affected her in all aspects of her sense of self, how could it not be penetrating her life? But she somehow goes on, with the knowledge that reality is happening somewhere else entirely tucked away neatly into a corner of her subconscious.
The moments she has are still very much her own, whether she is actively aware of this or not. The times when strangers stop her in stores, simply to tell her how gorgeous she is. When people at bars feign desperately all night to catch her eye. The moments when they take her home, practically begging to please her. The people closest to her can see the way she doesn’t give these moments a second thought. It can appear to those around her as inherent self absorption, but few knew it to be other than that. They can see, have experienced for themselves the ways in which her mind has limited itself. Not to say she is close-minded- she considers herself far from it, quick to discuss the woes of our modern society with the first person willing to listen. Her mind has limits in other ways, as if she is standing in front of two way glass and can only see herself staring back.
She wishes she could express the roots of these limitations, these mental blocks. However, she is yet to understand her own experience with them, how is she meant to properly explain them to someone else?
p.s. I thought posting this around the holiday season was fitting. A time full of family and going home, it can feel overwhelming and like your life isn’t your own anymore. It can be a strong reminder of the past, something a lot of people would rather forget. You are not your past, you are here now and that is what matters. Sending love to everyone struggling this season. You are not alone.
